The A is for Asexual
For asexuals, the route to self-discovery can be difficult at best in a world that tries to insist that they can’t exist and that they’re broken. The least the LGBT+ community could do to help is stop erasing them.
For those who aren’t aware, the A in LGBTQIA+ is for Asexual, not ally. LGBT+ allies shouldn’t accept a medal anymore than a white person should ask for recognition at a Black Lives Matter event. When you go to show your support of another group, be supportive. Don’t try to take over their narrative, and especially don’t edge out part of the group to make space for yourself.
If you aren’t familiar with the term, it’s “the lack of sexual attraction towards others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.” As of 2018, we’re also recognized by most dictionaires, including Merriam-Webster.
Some people accept asexuals who are homo, bi, or panromantic as well as genderqueer or trans. That’s not even addressing aromantics, who are often excluded outright. They also often draw the line at cisgendered heteroromantic asexuals.
The idea is that asexuals don’t face the same kind oppression and thus can’t count. Except, we shouldn’t base inclusion on who’s had a worse experience. The experiences of each of these groups are different. Though often there is one familiar pain between them all: Society says that they shouldn’t exist.
For me, it was the question of ‘am I broken? am I just slow?.’ As my classmates started dating and became obsessed with sex, I…didn’t. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to date, I just didn’t gauge who I wanted to date based on who made me tingly because I never felt that kind of attraction. Not even towards TV stars.
When everyone started saying ‘I like him, I’m going to date him — who do you like?’ I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t like anyone, not in the like-like way that everyone else insisted they did in fifth grade. So, I lied. I picked the most accessible boy and said ‘that one, I guess.’ People noticed that, which is how I found out what a lesbian was. Because of the bullying related to that, I kept lying about boys for far longer than I should have. I tried the ‘boyfriend from Canada’ tactic. I tried the ‘oh, I like that guy but he’s dating someone so I guess I can’t do anything about it.’ In high school I tried the ‘oh, I like this senior guy but he’s a senior so he’s unattainable.’
When I went to college, I finally felt comfortable admiting that I was more interested in girls than boys. It took three more years until I felt comfortable with being Ace. I didn’t have to do what with bisexuality or homosexuality because those images were created for me by my classmates and by semi-alright TV images. While I will never forgive Buffy the Vampire Slayer for killing Tara, her relationship with Willow was a good introduction. What did I have for asexuality? The only depiction I knew at the time was the episode of Big Bang Theory where Sheldon reproduced via mitosis. It took a while to separate asexuality from that image of what asexuality might be.
Fortunately, that is the worst that I have faced, but there are far worse stories out there. In a lesbian group I’m a part of, several women said that they would see the asexual partner as manipulative or abusive. A few said that asexuals should only be in platonic relationships. A few said that asexuals should only be in platonic relationships and that it was wrong for them to expect anything more. Many said that it would need to be an open relationship so they could find sex elsewhere. One said that they would force their partner to have sex with them. They denied that forced sex was the same as rape when called out on it. While that may be one experience, ‘corrective’ rape, and the threat of it, is also a common problem.
People also ask asexuals inappropriate and invasive qustions about their sex lives and mental health. A common attitude from doctors is to offer therapy. Therapists may also immediately assume that asexuals don’t want to be asexual. Though recent attention has helped somewhat in that regard, it’s always dangerous when the medical field tries to fix something that isn’t broken.
Aside from the issues of rape, most of these other problems can be easily fixed with just acceptance and visibility. Ultimately, the question shouldn’t so much be ‘do we include asexuals’ as much as it should be ‘why do we want to exclude them?’ It’s not like it hurts anyone to awknowledge that there’s a certain but familiar struggle that’s unique to being Ace, and it doesn’t take away from anyone else to make sure they aren’t misrepresented. So why can’t we just do that?
